Mister Bates…

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head. I feel like so much is going on right now. And in the midst of it, I am trying to get back to the gym and to Fitness Pal. It’s the 8th day of January and I just can’t get it together.
And today, I just decided to confront those things that are keeping me from going to the gym and eating right.
I keep stuffing my face to try to numb the pain of infertility. I am leaving my place of hope and entering my place of panic. And it is wearing on me.
There. I said it.
I am stuffing my face, and not exercising.
My brother and his wife, and their daughter, my precious love of my life, Ava, are leaving at the end of the month to move to Texas. That is twenty hours away from me.
I am stuffing my face to numb the sadness that overwhelms me about that. My brother will never know my kid, (that I may not even have) like I know his. My relationship with his kid, Ava, will never be the same. Our relationship is about to change. This makes me sad, because I like it the way it is.
So, I eat to numb that pain.

So many changes. So many things on my mind.
I have turned to God. I have been attending church regularly, and praying often.
And now I just need to treat myself better, eat right and exercise. And be sad when I need to be sad.
I need to lean on people, not food.

I am hoping by putting these thoughts to words, I will do something about it.
Today I even went so far as to pack a gym bag.
But, I didn’t go to the gym after school.
I went home. And ate pumpkin bread.

Hmph.

So, this was quite a pity party, wasn’t it?
There have been many bright spots in my days.
On Sunday….

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Oh, Mister Bates. And Mary and Matthew…sigh…

And, my favorite magazine of the year…

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Also, I had a really great weekend.
On Saturday night, my niece Ava spent the night.

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Then, some of my best girlfriends came over, and we played a game called Things, and mostly laughed our butts off the whole night. Beth FS brought her daughter who is friends with my Ava, and they played all night and listened to One Direction.
These are friends I’ve known for over 20 years, so it felt good to hang out with them, and as I mentioned, LAUGH!
These are some of the funniest people I know.

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Well, this blog entry was cathartic.
I am feeling more hopeful, and ready to take on the gym tomorrow.

I guess sometimes it just feels good to let out your feelings and deal with them.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, but I am ready for it to be Friday.
Although, my weekend holds mostly cleaning in store for me as I am having a massive going away party for my brother the following weekend….
more on that later.

Have a good evening!
Beth WA

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4 Responses to Mister Bates…

  1. Cortney Baird says:

    I wish I could hug you or reach out to make you feel better. Sometimes everything seems so hopeless and you just close your eyes and start to cry. All that I can tell you that is that it truly, truly, truly gets better. I – many of us – know this from lots of dark times. A good cry and a good nights sleep helps.

    And you will always have a special relationship with Ava. I can just picture her crazed when she first sees you at the airport when you fly in to visit…

  2. ashapr says:

    Did you record the today show? There was a psychologist on today who wrote a book about not focusing what we eat, but why. So the mere fact that you are confronting those things out loud is a step in the right direction and your making baby steps to get there. Eventually you’ll get to the gym, or go on a walk or do something that will help to clear your head and you’ll truly feel the stress release. When i was overwhelmed with sadness stressed, or scared…..i never wanted to go on a run, but when i was done I realized it was what i needed to get through the rest of the day. Running was my Prozac.

    At the same time, you have to allow yourself to feel the pain, let it out. its exhausting, but if you don’t it’ll pop up when you can’t control. I am so much more open about things with all my besties because i realize how much better I feel getting it and feeling supported. I’m so glad you blogged about it today, I hope that if felt somewhat better to get it out.

    Love you.

  3. Liza says:

    As I have said before and I will say over and over to you…I have hope for you friend even when you feel like things are hopeless! I know at times I have more strength for my friends then I have for myself. I agree with Asha in that I think the first step to feeling better about life in general is to admit that you are not “fine” and that life kind of totally stinks at this moment. It is at those times when your friends are here to carry you and hold hope for you.

    Love you friend…we need to talk on the phone more. I miss that.

  4. keepingtrac says:

    I have hope too!! And I am so proud of how brave you are to put it out there and confront it. When you look fear in its eyes, you take away its power. I love you, and I’m pulling for you, 100%.

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