Survivor’s Guilt

I have this weird feeling, now that I am pregnant.  I had it when I got married, too.  

I didn’t meet my husband until I was almost 30, and most of my friends had been married for years by then (I live in Ohio!).  Or, if they weren’t married, they were in a long term relationship.  I was the “single friend.”  And, I guess over the years, being single was a huge part of my identity.  It was who I was.  And when I finally met my husband, and married him, it took a long time to let go of that part of my identity.  There were parts of that identity that I really loved.  But, I think I even started to love the part that I got to feel sorry for myself.  

And when I wasn’t single any more, I felt like I had betrayed all the single people who were looking for a mate like I had been.  I knew I had no more “credibility” with them, because I had gone to the other side.

And now, after three and a half years of infertility, I am 14 weeks pregnant.  And I am feeling that guilt.  There are people I know who are still struggling with this issue, and I want them to know that I still ache for them, like I ached for so long.  And even 14 weeks in, having known I am pregnant for 10 weeks now, it still does not seem real, and I am still letting go of the identity I assumed as a woman suffering with infertility.  I was so sad for so long, and it is weird – even though I am pregnant – that sadness didn’t go away immediately.  Little by little I can feel it being lifted.  But, it wasn’t a sudden cure all for that “suitcase of sad” that I carried around for so long.

But, like letting go of my single self, I know I will soon be able to let go of that sadness.  It won’t happen all at once, it will happen little by little.

 

In other, much lighter news, THE WEATHER! Ugh.  More snow last night.  But, it is 25 degrees outside, so when I went out to take these pictures it actually felt warm, if that gives you any indication as to how cold it has been lately.

ImageImage

 

The first one is my front yard, and the second one is my back yard.

 

I am actually getting cabin fever.  I hardly ever get that, because I love being at home. 

Well, have a good Sunday.  

xooo,

Beth WA

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One Response to Survivor’s Guilt

  1. Beth FS says:

    I showed my mom your weekly pic last night. She remarked how happy your face looks. You deserve every blessing that has come your way, dear friend!

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