Happy.

So, for the last several years it is no secret that my husband and I have been struggling with infertility, and that we experienced a miscarriage.

It has been really difficult- to put it mildly.
I compared it once to carrying a “suitcase of sad” around with me all of the time.
I was able to laugh and smile and have fun. But there was always that suit case weighing me down. It got really heavy near the end there. It seemed that the joy was sucked out of every thing in my life.
I didn’t like my job any more- which has always been a job that I loved.
I didn’t feel like doing anything social.
I could very well sit on my couch in my house for days on end and just watch tv and surf the web and read blogs and magazines.
I knew it was bad as I was experiencing it, but as I am coming out of it, and I look back, I see how badly I really felt. I see how much my personality and interests had changed- or went away.

And lately things have changed. I find myself enjoying being busy. I spend a lot less time on the couch. And I can barely make it through a television show.

And, although I hate leaving my baby boy in the morning, I love watching him and his daddy play and laugh in the bed.

Then the big smile Henry gets when his Grammies gets here to pick him up.

The last few mornings as I was driving into work I found myself having this weird, unfamiliar feeling. I was smiling as I was driving, and I thought to myself… I think…
Maybe…
Perhaps…
This feeling is called happiness.
I feel joy again.
I can enjoy the moments with my kiddos at school again. Like, really enjoy them.
In fact, I dressed up for Halloween for the first time in years at school today. The kiddos loved it. And so did I.

So, as I end this, I want anybody who is carrying the suitcase of sad to know that I am thinking about them- and I can’t wait for them to be able to check that baggage!

Xoxox,
Beth WA

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3 Responses to Happy.

  1. Beth A's Mom says:

    We always seem to carry our “suitcase” in silence because it seems no one would understand or they would try to minimalize it. A mother however knows your sadness and tries to help carry the “suitcase” Nice that you are one of the lucky ones that gets to look back and hopefully an inspiration to those that are still living the sadness. Love Your Mom

  2. keepingtrac says:

    This post just made me smile out loud to myself. 🙂 The whole “bundle of joy” concept is pretty accurate, huh?
    Your little answered prayer is truly a gift to us all.

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